DADDY MAC'LL MAKE YOU JUMP

So, it has come to my attention a lot of people don't know who Kriss Kross is.. and frankly, I'm disgusted. I'm downright ill (not the good rap kind) and its kept me up at night because I'm just so disappointed in the world.

Hopefully you're not one of the many I'm absolutely upset with and may cut out of my social life.. and if by chance you DO know who Kriss Kross is, why haven't you bought this? Fuck, I should buy it. We should all have 7 of them, for every day.

Anyways, Kriss Kross was the original dynamic duo (move over Batman and Robin) bursting onto TV screens and blasting from boomboxes everywhere at the delightful age of 12 back in a simpler time. They released a CD/tape (yeah, they had CDs back then riiight?) full of hot as junk freestyles about a number of emerging social topics such as missing the bus, jumping, and a song that I can't seem to find the lyrics to called "can't stop the bum rush". Definitely a number of topics that MUST BE HANDLED. Can you say awesome?

Oh, and if this wasn't enough they DID start the trend of wearing yo clothes backwards son. Straight up, straight backwards, straight hilarious. They've got the Midas touch.

Wherever you are, we salute you. You're an example, that everyone (yes, even you) can have an awesome future.

THERE'S ALWAYS A U IN PUKE!

First off, Family Guy sucks. I said it. I'd probably throw up if I had to watch it constantly, and if you would too.. this post will help you. Pheeeew. If not, at least sit here, read, and be educated. Remember! Knowing is half the battle.

You see, there's really only a couple different throw-ups in the world. Yes, the entire world, and it's actually very sad. The art of throwing up is kind of like the new endangered panda of our world. Bummer.

Why is this? Well you see, in the beginning there was a copious amount of pukes, vomits, and upchucks throughout the lands, but overtime many died out because they were "unconventional", "dumb", or "retarded". The world is really cruel like that.

Most kids these days are now stuck with the few throw-ups that are acceptable. Either the "I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom and make sure no one else can use it 'cause I suck at throwing up so now all my friends will have to go to the bathroom outside" throw-up or the "I passed out, I think I might be throwing up, but I might just be sleeping, and I might wake up in throw-up tomorrow morning" puke.

These are the throw-ups we're accustomed to today, but those in my humble opinion are boring. The bottom of the bucket; the worst.

Today you're lucky. I'm going to shedding some light on the those species of throw-up who are just getting by.. barely.. but are still in rotation today. Maybe you should use them the next time you're ready to launch. Si?

1) The "I don't care that I just puked" puke

This throw-up is pretty awesome. It's usually seen in mid-conversations (without breaking conversation is very important), or followed by a quick "uh, my bad" after the person throws up right in front of you. This throw-up can be somewhat subtle, but at the same time very menacing, as it comes out of no where. In the end it's hilarious if done correctly. This puke screams "I'm funny, casual, and confident".

* Note: for extra points, always try to say big words while throwing up. Usually I go for ambulance, but you should try to find your niche too.

2) The "slam dunk" upchuck

This throw-up shows your competitive edge and it's for the Dr. J, Shaq, and Yao Ming fans out there. With the "slam dunk" your pukes are strictly business and fine display of finesse, ability, and skill. One just needs to throw up the seat (or the bucket), crinks back their neck and push out of the throw-up at full speed; quickness is key. It's just all about slamming down your puke, and making sure you don't hit the rim. No easy buckets son. Two points for the porcelain gods.

* Note: this puke could also easily transfer into the "alley-oop slam dunk" if a friend quickly lifts up the toliet seat and slams it down right after. But, this throw-up does not transfer well for the "three-point, hail mary conversion" puke. Oof.

3) The "I know it's gonna be destiny" spew

This throw-up is extremely dangerous because it's like swimming in a lake with Jaws; you know something bad is going to happen. Whether you're just take one for the team and force it out with the 1-2 throat touch, or build it up to be a newer level of epicness - it's all up to you. It's your destiny. Regardless you know something unforgettable is about to happen. Enjoy it, savour it, remember it. God speed.

* Note: it's very easy to combine with other throw-ups to max out your points.

4) The "I'm trained in the dark arts of the ninja" vomit

Well, I'm not a big fan of this, but it's important to know because we all have a few friends who may be capable of this. This throw-up is synonymous with hiding their throw-up discreetly in peculiar and strange places. The worst part is that you don't know that you've been attacked until too late, and everything is fair game to them. Beware of funky fridges, mucky microwaves, barfed up beds, and jammed up jars.

* Note: don't be that guy. But if you are, please tell me. I'll probably want to watch.

5) The "I didn't throw up because I was sick, you're just really ugly" hurl

Pretty much self-explanatory, but very rare.. although it is rumored to come out at occasionally at night sometimes to feed. When it does, magic is in the air. If you're on the opposite end of this animal, don't fret, just brush it off and realize life isn't really for you. At least now you know, and as we know, knowing is half the battle. Unfortunately, the other half is just crying.

* Note: this one rules so hard.

So, I really feel like I made a difference today writing about this. I'm 20, and I write about throwing up. Awesome.

...

Big gulps eh? Welp, see you later.

WHY BEING NICK CANNON IS HILARIOUS

Hi.

Nick Cannon is hilarious.

Why? Well..

1) He's a DJ now. He DJs party. He could probably only rival Andrew WK in bringing said "party".

2) Urban Dictionary said he's hilarious. The internet doesn't lie.

3) As a teenager, Cannon formed the rap duo "Da Bomb Squad" with his best friend Steve Groves; they opened for the likes of Will Smith, LFO, and 98 Degrees. This is stupid hilarious.

4) He starred in the movie Drumline. A movie about dropping drum sticks with attitude, making awkward faces, mixed with the difficult trials and tribulations of being in a college drumline? Hilariousssssss.

5) He's married to Mariah Carey. No punchline, that's just straight up hilarious.

Nick Cannon, we salute you.

WHY DOOM IS BETTER THAN YOUR LIFE

Ahem, to begin.. the description for DOOM:

Welcome to Doom, soldier. Now shut up and start fighting because there's no time to waste! We're talking total war against the forces of evil with the only thing standing between civilization and the end of everything as we know it is you — one angry Marine with a handgun and a bad attitude. This is the full-auto, 16-meg faithful version of the PC original. Which means all the same monsters, levels, weapons and surprises are around for a screaming fast descent into danger with sudden death lurking around every corner. Strap on your ammo and prepare to spit lead. Because now's your chance to be a hero. Or die trying.

First off, lets just point out that 50cent ripped off DOOM. Get rich or die trying? Fuck you. If you're going to steal stuff from DOOM at least rap about insane dunks and basketball with demons.

Before we begin, history has already dictated that the game rules or how else did it spawn off a dozen sequels, and an awkward as hell movie with THE ROCK? Are you a moron and are gonna fight history? I wouldn't. Anyways, I think you smell what Doom is cooking. It's amazing covered in awesome sauce. Get into it.

The game itself is easy to play, and the concept is totally easy to follow. You're given a gun and your job is to shoot anything and everything. No, you will not have to save the princess. No, you don't have to dress up like an awkward she-male elf. No, you're not seeking revenge for your dead parents. You just need to shoot everyone and be badass. Seriously, this game is as easy to understand as PAC MAN's life; eat the pellet, eat the pellet, eat the cherry, avoid some ghosts, eat ghosts, go home and have weird circle-sex with Ms. PAC MAN. Gawd.

Also, the game pretty much emulates your life. There's no check-points, and there are no cheats. The best thing is that you can use DOOM for your advantage. Yes, that's right kids. You can now use the vital life skills learned from DOOM to later better your future life. Now you know it's always important to take that second glance behind you whenever you're leaving a room or where to find the best spot to hide in a room if an onslaught of demons burst onto the scene. You're welcome. Now you know all these skills and you can make all your moves count.

See, the best part is that there are no cheats (well, in the SNES version anyway. The only version that counts). People don't understand it's important to never be tempted by cheats. Why? Because cheats are for wieners and Nazis. And who likes wieners and Nazis? Only other Nazis and wieners. And that sucks.

In reality when I think about it, this should be the pre-war training for the Canadian military, because I sincerely doubt any voyage is gonna be scarier than creepin' around a ridiculously dark corridor with your trusty shotgun, with only two bullets left (oof!), trying to survive on 10 health until the next medpack, when some cyberdemons roll out to destroy your pathetic life. It's actually all quite beautiful.

Basically, if you don't play DOOM I wouldn't recommend leaving your house. You probably won't know how to survive.

Bummer.

HERRO INTERNET, HERRO

Okay. First off, blogs are lame. My blog probably will be too, but you're obviously reading it now. Most importantly, you know, and I know, you'll be back. It's stupid. You want to hear what I have to say about Andrew WK, Super Nintendo, and how to throw up properly.. so I'll see you soon. Maybe we can be internet best friends. Probably not though.

Originally, I was only going to make the blog just to make fun of how lame this is:

But, I feel like I should wait until I try it. Even though I'm pretty sure my friends might be legally retarded and the world should probably be warned.

As I said before blogs are indeed lame, but I'm only writing because:
a) I have a (now) 8 day break 'til my next exam
b) I'm going to go pick up internet babes
c) I feel the need to educate some people so they can live a better life.

Party? Si?

So.. here we go. Get naked.