WHY DOOM IS BETTER THAN YOUR LIFE

Ahem, to begin.. the description for DOOM:

Welcome to Doom, soldier. Now shut up and start fighting because there's no time to waste! We're talking total war against the forces of evil with the only thing standing between civilization and the end of everything as we know it is you — one angry Marine with a handgun and a bad attitude. This is the full-auto, 16-meg faithful version of the PC original. Which means all the same monsters, levels, weapons and surprises are around for a screaming fast descent into danger with sudden death lurking around every corner. Strap on your ammo and prepare to spit lead. Because now's your chance to be a hero. Or die trying.

First off, lets just point out that 50cent ripped off DOOM. Get rich or die trying? Fuck you. If you're going to steal stuff from DOOM at least rap about insane dunks and basketball with demons.

Before we begin, history has already dictated that the game rules or how else did it spawn off a dozen sequels, and an awkward as hell movie with THE ROCK? Are you a moron and are gonna fight history? I wouldn't. Anyways, I think you smell what Doom is cooking. It's amazing covered in awesome sauce. Get into it.

The game itself is easy to play, and the concept is totally easy to follow. You're given a gun and your job is to shoot anything and everything. No, you will not have to save the princess. No, you don't have to dress up like an awkward she-male elf. No, you're not seeking revenge for your dead parents. You just need to shoot everyone and be badass. Seriously, this game is as easy to understand as PAC MAN's life; eat the pellet, eat the pellet, eat the cherry, avoid some ghosts, eat ghosts, go home and have weird circle-sex with Ms. PAC MAN. Gawd.

Also, the game pretty much emulates your life. There's no check-points, and there are no cheats. The best thing is that you can use DOOM for your advantage. Yes, that's right kids. You can now use the vital life skills learned from DOOM to later better your future life. Now you know it's always important to take that second glance behind you whenever you're leaving a room or where to find the best spot to hide in a room if an onslaught of demons burst onto the scene. You're welcome. Now you know all these skills and you can make all your moves count.

See, the best part is that there are no cheats (well, in the SNES version anyway. The only version that counts). People don't understand it's important to never be tempted by cheats. Why? Because cheats are for wieners and Nazis. And who likes wieners and Nazis? Only other Nazis and wieners. And that sucks.

In reality when I think about it, this should be the pre-war training for the Canadian military, because I sincerely doubt any voyage is gonna be scarier than creepin' around a ridiculously dark corridor with your trusty shotgun, with only two bullets left (oof!), trying to survive on 10 health until the next medpack, when some cyberdemons roll out to destroy your pathetic life. It's actually all quite beautiful.

Basically, if you don't play DOOM I wouldn't recommend leaving your house. You probably won't know how to survive.

Bummer.