THERE'S ALWAYS A U IN PUKE!

First off, Family Guy sucks. I said it. I'd probably throw up if I had to watch it constantly, and if you would too.. this post will help you. Pheeeew. If not, at least sit here, read, and be educated. Remember! Knowing is half the battle.

You see, there's really only a couple different throw-ups in the world. Yes, the entire world, and it's actually very sad. The art of throwing up is kind of like the new endangered panda of our world. Bummer.

Why is this? Well you see, in the beginning there was a copious amount of pukes, vomits, and upchucks throughout the lands, but overtime many died out because they were "unconventional", "dumb", or "retarded". The world is really cruel like that.

Most kids these days are now stuck with the few throw-ups that are acceptable. Either the "I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom and make sure no one else can use it 'cause I suck at throwing up so now all my friends will have to go to the bathroom outside" throw-up or the "I passed out, I think I might be throwing up, but I might just be sleeping, and I might wake up in throw-up tomorrow morning" puke.

These are the throw-ups we're accustomed to today, but those in my humble opinion are boring. The bottom of the bucket; the worst.

Today you're lucky. I'm going to shedding some light on the those species of throw-up who are just getting by.. barely.. but are still in rotation today. Maybe you should use them the next time you're ready to launch. Si?

1) The "I don't care that I just puked" puke

This throw-up is pretty awesome. It's usually seen in mid-conversations (without breaking conversation is very important), or followed by a quick "uh, my bad" after the person throws up right in front of you. This throw-up can be somewhat subtle, but at the same time very menacing, as it comes out of no where. In the end it's hilarious if done correctly. This puke screams "I'm funny, casual, and confident".

* Note: for extra points, always try to say big words while throwing up. Usually I go for ambulance, but you should try to find your niche too.

2) The "slam dunk" upchuck

This throw-up shows your competitive edge and it's for the Dr. J, Shaq, and Yao Ming fans out there. With the "slam dunk" your pukes are strictly business and fine display of finesse, ability, and skill. One just needs to throw up the seat (or the bucket), crinks back their neck and push out of the throw-up at full speed; quickness is key. It's just all about slamming down your puke, and making sure you don't hit the rim. No easy buckets son. Two points for the porcelain gods.

* Note: this puke could also easily transfer into the "alley-oop slam dunk" if a friend quickly lifts up the toliet seat and slams it down right after. But, this throw-up does not transfer well for the "three-point, hail mary conversion" puke. Oof.

3) The "I know it's gonna be destiny" spew

This throw-up is extremely dangerous because it's like swimming in a lake with Jaws; you know something bad is going to happen. Whether you're just take one for the team and force it out with the 1-2 throat touch, or build it up to be a newer level of epicness - it's all up to you. It's your destiny. Regardless you know something unforgettable is about to happen. Enjoy it, savour it, remember it. God speed.

* Note: it's very easy to combine with other throw-ups to max out your points.

4) The "I'm trained in the dark arts of the ninja" vomit

Well, I'm not a big fan of this, but it's important to know because we all have a few friends who may be capable of this. This throw-up is synonymous with hiding their throw-up discreetly in peculiar and strange places. The worst part is that you don't know that you've been attacked until too late, and everything is fair game to them. Beware of funky fridges, mucky microwaves, barfed up beds, and jammed up jars.

* Note: don't be that guy. But if you are, please tell me. I'll probably want to watch.

5) The "I didn't throw up because I was sick, you're just really ugly" hurl

Pretty much self-explanatory, but very rare.. although it is rumored to come out at occasionally at night sometimes to feed. When it does, magic is in the air. If you're on the opposite end of this animal, don't fret, just brush it off and realize life isn't really for you. At least now you know, and as we know, knowing is half the battle. Unfortunately, the other half is just crying.

* Note: this one rules so hard.

So, I really feel like I made a difference today writing about this. I'm 20, and I write about throwing up. Awesome.

...

Big gulps eh? Welp, see you later.